Entry 0002

July 31, 2019

Recent times have been a big oof and I haven't felt up to writing entries. I've been unable to find work and was barely able to cover my rent for August. With $24 in my bank account I have no idea where I'm going to get the $300 I need for September's rent let alone money to eat.

I hadn't mentioned it previously, but earlier this year I was in a car accident. I'm severely indebted and was unable to qualify for enough credit to get a new car so I've been slowly, but surely depleting my savings while I look for somewhere to work within walking distance.

Nothing I do seems to improve my situation, and I feel as if I'm in a constant state of lying to my loved ones to keep them from worrying. Is there even anything I can do? I ruined my relationships with my old roommates by not covering the entirety of my rent at my last apartment for months, and I'm worried it's going to happen again. As soon as I can I'll pay everyone back, but every day it becomes a deeper and deeper hole. The deeper it gets the less light there seems to be to keep me hopeful. 

Not everything is terrible. I'm not bored. I work on projects. I make things and I've gotten pretty decent at ripping assets from games. My girlfriend is incredible, and is the piece holding everything together for me.

I'm at a cross roads. I need money, but I'm not willing to do anything evil to get it, but if I don't start making something I'm going to starve. I want to go on being creative. Will I be able to figure out a way to do that? There are trips I want to go on like to twitchcon, my friend's wedding, and my cousin's graduation. Will I be able to manage any of that?


Entry 0001

March 29, 2019
Decided to clear out old entries and to turn this into a series of articles where I express my inner thoughts to keep myself from going mad. Having paid for the hosting of this website for years and by hosting it on posthaven it should be available for a long time. Very possibly longer than I will be alive.

The beginning of stories always ends up being poorly written or cringy. I don't think I'll be able to avoid it.

Today is not a particularly special day, I don't recall anything important ever happening in my life on March 29th, and that's perfect. Any day that shares itself with another event always ends up being overshadowed in one way or another. This is no exception.

My father always wanted to write about his life. He would go on and on about how he didn't know where to start. One time he recorded himself talking for awhile. I wish I knew where that recording was. He was legit the smartest idiot to ever exist. He had more degrees than anyone I've ever met. He went to brooklyn law and passed in the bar in New York. Lived over 25 years longer than doctors told him he would. He was really good at losing money though and never seemed to be able to get ahead. People have told me that they seem him in me. Knowing they mean it as a compliment I would always thank them with a smile. There's a hard truth that keeps that from being true however. I'm not as smart as he was. No matter what anyone says I'll never be. He worked hard. Me? Not so much.

I feel like nothing I ever do will be worthwhile. I feel like everytime I pour my soul into something I'm met with mediocre results, but even when everything feels pointless and I just want to end it all I snap out of it at the last moment and try again.

At least I inherited his stubbornness.